Flirting with Failure

I have always been wound pretty tight.  I am very Type-A.  I like to be able to predict what is coming, and control it whenever possible.  I like finished products, and concrete accomplishments.  Projects should have measurable outcomes and clear plans, and they shouldn’t start until they do.  This has served me fairly well professionally for the past 20 years or so. 

That is also why dream chasing does not come naturally to me.

Many wise people in my life have told me that if I learned to meditate, pray, create space, sit still, knit, let go, fast, eat raw foods, practice yoga, shut-up, talk more, journal, get in touch with my inner child, heal past hurts, balance my chakras, and take more vitamins the answers to all of my big questions would be there. 

I truly believed that if I quit my job, the Universe would miraculously open the door to my future.  I would be filled with golden light, harps would play, and I would shed my old skin to reveal a brand new person.  I would “know”.

So far, the only doors that have opened reveal dirty dishes in the sink, piles of laundry and pee drips on the toilet seat. 

I am not sure what it is that holds me back, but I can feel it tugging at me whenever I take a step into what I now call my own personal “Brave New World”. 

I met an old friend for lunch last week.  She is incredibly talented at all things virtual, and she is going to help me get my new decorating blog up and running.  There were a couple of things that came out of that conversation that were absolutely more than I planned for. 

The first was that even though I went in with the mindset that I wanted her to create a successful blog that would draw clients into my decorating business, I almost had a panic attack when she started talking about ways to do that.

“I don’t want something that I can’t get out of gracefully if I change my mind…….” I told her.  What I wanted was an escape route. 

I froze when she asked me to explain……Didn’t I want to grow a successful business?  Wasn’t that the point of hiring her?  I realized in that moment that I was afraid to fail, and if I did fail, I certainly did not want to do it publicly.

It was a true deer-in-the-headlights moment.  When I shared that with her, the response was the same that I have heard over and over from many well-meaning people in my life.  “Why would you worry about failing?  You won’t!  You are successful at everything you do!”

And that was when I really understood the problem at a deeper level.  I don’t have a lot of experience with failure.  I simply do not do things that I don’t already know that I am good at, and I especially do not try out new things in front of others.  One thing I am not good at is failing gracefully.

There is no amount of mediation or clean living that is going to give me the answer of what I want to be when I grow up if I don’t learn to take risks.  The big fat lesson here is not about following my dreams, it is trusting that brushing the dirt off my ass in front of people is not the end of the world. 

I am trying out a kinder gentler me, one who is less about the outcome and more about the journey.